Details

I don't know about you, but I want details. I want to know the who, what, where, when, why, and how. Plus I want a paragraph in response to each of those questions. Sometimes I may want to have all the details repeated a few times. I want details from a variety of sources. Sounds like I am a bit over the top in the detail gathering ? However, I bet you know what I am talking about.

The truth is, I don't always get all the details I want when it comes to parenting my children and niece through a life challenge. Most of the time my sources are sharing the details that they remember or even noticed, but I feel I need more!

Through practice - and maybe asking the one question too many - I know when I have all the details I am going to get. People have a limit to what they are going to share. They also have their own perspective on what they view to be the important details. It's what we do with the details they do share that really matters.

I'm thinking about all the times we want details, details, details. How about when our child comes home from a long day at school and is upset? We want details, right? Or after a sleepover, school trip or time with friends? We want details! Basically, it's any time away from us -whether they are in pre-school or high school!

Our children may only share what they know or understand. Be careful with thinking they are lying or hiding something. They may only be telling you what they know to be true. It's hard for caring parents to let go of wanting all the details.

Sometimes the more we ask, the less we find out. It is really important to balance your want for information and method of gathering details with your child's temperament (Mary Kirchinka's book I blogged about before).

I know I typically will not have all the pieces of the puzzle but I usually will see the picture. Sometimes I have found myself with pieces of several puzzles that I thought were all part of one. That was kind of funny when I figured that out! ;)

I am learning over and over, that it is more important to focus my energy on what I do know and how I can be supportive while teaching a life lesson. That is the whole point of detail gathering - to know enough details so we can react in honor of protecting our children.


sharing and caring.
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It was as if he discovered gold!

I had an amazing time in Lewiston, NY over the past two weeks. It was great to reconnect with family and friends and to see my children do the same.

I enjoyed meeting with the Parents Together parents at the park on July 1st. We talked a lot about a method that my husband discovered that helped our daughter take responsibility for her actions.

My daughter, ( she just turned 13 today!), often- yet not always -resists accepting responsibility. Sometimes to the point where my husband and I start to go crazy. Why won't she see that what she did caused a problem? A problem that's not so great that it can't be solved?? ;)

Before our trip, Justin took the parenting lead when Rachel lost the pool key. He and Rachel went back and forth about the lost key being her responsibility. I sat nearby and watched and listened to them. She was very persistent, as was Justin. Respectful and persistent.

Then something amazing happened. Justin broke "the responsibility" into percentages, and it was as if he discovered gold! It worked. Rachel softened and was able to see how she was partly responsible for losing the pool key. Phew!!

Since then, we have joked around about percentages, like " oh that was 80% my fault" It's sort of a family thing now. We are all using it and loving it!

While in Lewiston, Rachel discovered that she forgot her NY friend's birthday gift at home. Without hesitation she said with a smile, "this is 100% my fault". Ta da!!!!!!!!!

I shared this with Parents Together, and many were excited to try it with their children. One mom was going to apply that concept to herself. Too often she takes on 100% of the responsibility and she was discovering that that isn't usually the case.

It's exciting to have these breakthroughs!

sharing and caring!
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Summer Parents Together

I have been invited to lead Parents Together in the Park while I am in New York. I am excited to connect with the Western New York families - face to face instead of with a webcam and cell phone!

Tuesday, July 1

11am to 1pm

at Faulkner Park in Youngstown, NY

We are using the Mary Sheedy Kurchinka book: Kids, Parents and Power Struggles

See some of you very soon!
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Time well spent

I have been working with a couple of families around the issue of reacting to situations that happen in life. The happy, positive issues are the easiest, of course. It's when life brings a challenge, then what? As parents, we role model how to react to a situation.

I often use Barbara Coloroso's phrase from her Kids are Worth It book, "There is no problem so great that it can't be solved." Since my children were very young, they have been hearing this phrase, and honestly I say it for me to hear too! I need a moment to realize that there is no problem so great that it can't be solved, before I am able to move forward.

The solution, however, may not be easy or even fun. Yet, there are solutions to our problems. Just as important as the solution, is the way we react. How did you react yesterday when something came up for your family? How did your family members react?

It's those emotions that get me. I become agitated and find my neck and shoulders stiffen. My skin feels prickly. I am learning to pause and reflect - even if it's just a few seconds. When I do, the emotions and the stress diminish. Then I can move forward.

What has recently become powerful for us is that we are praying. We were praying before, but it was a private, silent sort of action without much attention given to it. Today, we are openly turning to God for guidance and for thanksgiving. Those challenges are actually blessings building our character!

Life has it's ups and down, we all know that - we all live that. Your children are watching you react and need guidance around their own reactions. With your help, they can figure out what they need to do when challenges pop up. It's different for each person, and the time spent discovering what everyone needs, will be time well spent.

Thank GOD there is no problem so great that can't be solved.

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Six Critical Life Messages

A Parents Together favorite book is by Barbara Coloroso:
kids are worth it! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline

In her book, Coloroso lists what she calls "six critical life messages" that our children should receive from us as often as possible:

I believe in you

I trust you

I know you can handle this

You are listened to

You are cared for

You are very important to me

Some days can get really busy for our family, and
having these messages to refer to has been really helpful for me.

Ode to Mary Ellen and Parents Together

Today was a very special day ~ the end of Parents Together, as we know it.

Tears were flowing during our session - on both coasts! And yet, our hearts were warmed as we shared how this group has made an impact on our lives. Over and over again we shared how Parents Together helped us to know that we are not alone in our parenting adventures!

For 13 years we came together in honor of our children - of our families - in honor of supporting ourselves. It has been Amazing! Truly life altering.

Today Mary Ellen called Parents Together a gift of Love, Courage and Wisdom. She reflected how we would go deeper than "quick advice" to discover the layers of what was happening in our families. She admired our willingness to meet the challenges of parenting. Each one of us has been forever changed by this group and our time spent together.

Mary Ellen is an amazing facilitator and guide~ creating an environment where we would come and feel safe, not judged, and deeply deeply loved.

Yes, Parents Together is over... at least how we knew it to be. My son, Adam, sent me a text today, knowing how I was struggling with letting go of what Parents Together has been. He wrote, "But Parents Together will never die as long as you keep it alive" I send that message on to all of you. Let's keep Parents Together rippling out in ways we will not be able predict or imagine.

THANK YOU MARY ELLEN -
FOR ALL YOUR LOVE, COURAGE & WISDOM

love you dearly!
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a day to celebrate

Happy Father's Day ~ a day to celebrate your role in your family

Every day you role model some sort of behavior for your children. Every day.

It's time for hugs and celebrations, because your children have you in their lives.

Kurchinka refers to Emotion Coaching vs The Intimidator, challenging us to be aware of how we are parenting. ( did you get your hands on her book yet? )

It's powerful to take a step back and look at yourself through the eyes of your children. What do you think they see?

Today, when you connect with your children, remember that you are making memories. Be intentional in your interactions.

Enjoy today! Enjoy your children!
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