When issues come up for our families, it's pretty amazing how things can end up when we take care of our emotions first.
Yesterday, a situation came up that affected my family. When I heard the details of what had happened, I was annoyed. Someone had been making negative comments to my children about one of us. Not cool. Not cool at all.
What Parents Together has taught me, is to acknowledge my own emotions and take the time to process through all of those before I approach to support my family. I was able to do this on my way home from work.
Wow, taking that time to process made such a difference. I was able to vent a bit with my husband and with friends to lower my intensity. When I got home I took more time and called my friend, Monica, to process further.
It worked.
After our family dinner together, while still sitting at the table, I brought up the issue for discussion. I asked them how they felt about what went on. Each one of the children shared. My husband did too. It felt great to be emotionally ready to really listen to them.
I was able to focus 100% on THEIR emotions and reaction to the "negative comments". My children needed to be heard. I was able to be the sounding board for each one of them to vent. I would have NEVER been able to do this without first processing through my own reaction.
I was able to point out the ways the children were supporting each other. They smiled as they took this in. I also pointed out the lesson we were given about treating people. We talked about honoring the fact that each person has their own perspective and view about each other. Not everyone will get along on this planet, yet the challenge is to stay respectful. It was a powerful discussion at the family dinner table.
We have bonded even closer because of this situation that came to our family. I had started out annoyed, but quickly became grateful to God for this gift our family received. Our night ended by hanging out together, playing games, and lots and lots of laughing! =)
This could have been a completely different night if I had not learned the importance of taking the time to process my emotions before approaching to support my family. A completely different night indeed.
For you, I share.
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Friday, June 6, 2008
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3 comments:
POWERFUL. I love LOVE that you intentionally processed your emotions before engaging your children. I am an extrovert and if I do not process my emotions beforehand, I tend to do it while I am parenting. The results are NOT good. I let fear guide me and tend to come down hard. Here is the weird thing, the fear is rooted in love, and yet the result is so unloving. I will have them in jail and dead by age 20 in my brain and parent from that perspective! Fear/unprocessed emotions rob me from being present and completely available for my children. I am setting the intention to process my emotions BEFORE I address the situation with my children. Call my good friend Gretchen first :) Powerful, indeed. Monica
and yet, there are times like today, when I reacted right in the middle of strong emotions. Even as I was speaking, with the intention of teaching, I knew it was the wrong time. I had not processed my emotions first. The lesson would have been a lot stronger and clearer had I taken a deep breath. Oh to live and learn....thank God for another opportunity for me to grow.
Gretchen
At times when a situation is negative, believing it is possible to reframe the whole thing into a positive learning experience of some kind is a challenge. I had this little situation today actually....Noah has been begging to watch the movie "Cars". Cars crashing, words like "idiot" and "moron" (OK, only once each), little-bit-scary guys like the farm turbine thingy and sometimes the cars weren't so nice to each other...anyway, you get the idea. I just wanted to keep avoiding it... keep him in his little bubble of Blues Clues and coloring books for a while longer. But then when he asked why he couldn't see it and I think I realized it was more about my fear than anything. It dawned on me that if I watch it with him, and we talk about it together - then I have this opportunity to teach him ("that truck isn't being very nice, is it?", "what do you think about that?" , etc). This is a little example, and honestly, I felt like I'd rather face it head on and teach him, guide him and talk about it rather than trying to hide from it! It won't be long before he is learning the word "idiot" on the playground at school, and he has already encountered more class bullies than anyone should have to at age 3. He is just such a great kid - very thoughtful and sensitive - and we'll see if he has any nightmares or after-effects...but it seemed to go OK. Oh well, I guess the first of many, many dilemmas ahead...I can only hope to learn as I go. Even if it was a mistake...it will make me better next time. ~ Lisa
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