my little red friend

Years ago, I was at a place in my life where 1028% of my energy was going into my struggle with trying to help people I care about push through their fear of honoring the truth of the past. I was doing it, and it was not easy, and I wanted them to do it too.  My willingness to help them was consuming me.

It was a cold day in February, and while taking a shower I was thinking and stressing, thinking and stressing. I became distracted by a ladybug being beat on by the spray of the water. I stood and watched a few seconds before moving into action to help. I reached down and gently rescued the ladybug out of harm's way. I put the ladybug on the windowsill that was at eye level. I watched as the ladybug seemed to stand in peace. I felt content to have made a difference in the life struggle of this little red bug. All it took was a little action and things were so much better. I can help - maybe not the people in my life that I wanted to help - but I certainly helped this ladybug!!!

I opened the vent in the shower window to give this little ladybug some much needed fresh air. Within seconds I saw the ladybug's legs stiffen and he tipped over. I killed the ladybug. I was mortified. It was February in Lewiston, NY which meant the air that came through the shower window was freezing cold. The water and steam from my shower was anything but!    I stood in disbelief.   I had just killed the ladybug.   I began to cry.  

All at once God spoke to me.  I need to be cautious around helping others reach the goal which I have set. I need to be aware that what I may think is helpful, may not always be the case. I need to remember that life struggles are important for growth. My path of healing is not the same path of healing for others. My willingness to help can sometimes backfire and kill the progress that is being made. I need to step back and allow life struggles to happen, especially to those I care most about. I may not really know what the best steps to healing are, especially for others.  Sometimes, I need to leave well enough alone. When I am being helpful, I need to know when it's enough. I need to be careful about going too far presuming I know what is best.  As I stood in the shower staring at the dead ladybug that I had just killed, the messages from God were clear.

I still struggle with imposing on others what I think are the steps toward healing. I kid you not, when I feel like I am not helping enough, a ladybug shows up as a gentle reminder. I go from arrogance to humble in a matter of seconds. It's amazing to me. God is so clear! Over and over He reminds me to recognize my limits. It's within those limits that I am supportive and encouraging and helpful and at peace. When I slip up and go too far, like opening a window in February on a wet peaceful ladybug, I am reminded of the messages God gave me!

enjoy every day,
g

woe - tough morning!

Mondays can be rough - especially after a busy (yet fun) weekend.

Our daughter was exhausted and really had a struggle getting ready for school.   

My husband and I encouraged her to push through her tiredness.  She resisted.  The power struggle began.   I chose to walk away a few times and let Justin take the parenting lead.  I found myself becoming agitated and wanted our interaction to remain mutually respectful.  I know myself well enough to know when my words are just about to shift from stern and respectful, to sharp and demeaning.   

Our daughter asked to be understood.   "I just need for you to understand how exhausted I am, I need to sleep more."  Her hope was that our understanding would support her staying home.   My husband and I hugged her and mirrored back her feelings.  We shared our own similar feelings and experiences and then clearly stated that she was going to school.    After a lot of dialog, (she is an extroverted/feeler),  she got our message and to school she went.

This morning was an opportunity for our daughter to evaluate her choices of activities over the weekend that led to her rough start today.   She does not like the way this morning went for her and she is able to recognize where she could have made better decisions regarding her activities.

These struggles are hard on all involved.   For me, understanding and compassion sometimes causes me to waiver.    Yet, mornings likes these are when I need to lean on the basic foundation of parenting.    What is our family standard?   Well, unless you are sick, school is nonnegotiable.   Based on our standard, my husband and I parented with love and respect while taking breaks for deep breaths!   Getting through these issues (because there is no way around them ) will help each of us the next time!

What we all learn today will make for a better tomorrow....

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The morning of their first day back to school

oh the truth

Truth.  Living the truth.  Speaking the truth.  Standing in your truth.   Easy to write, yet challenging to live.

I hesitate sharing my truth many times.   People will ask how I am, or how things are going in one aspect of my life or another and I respond by barely skimming the surface.   This fact, or truth about who I am, has been rearing it's ugly head this past week.

I expect, encourage, and sometimes even demand the truth from my children.    Not just with the details of their activities, but how they are feeling about a situation or two.  I encourage and support their telling the truth by saying that doing so will free their mind, lighten their soul, and bring focus to the situation in order to create a plan.

But, how often to I cower from doing the same?   Speaking the truth  takes a certain amount of courage.  There is a risk of being judged or misunderstood.   There is a risk of how the other person will respond.   Typically, in time, the risk becomes worth it.   I know this and yet...

I am doing a lot of self reflection, I guess a self-check, to discover what type of role model I am being for my children.   Do they see me taking the risk of speaking and living in the truth with love?  Do they see me being real - or do they see me being guarded and sticking to the surface without going deep?   

As my faith in God increases, I am learning  how insignificant the judgement from others should be.    What is holding me back from sharing my truth?   I believe most of it is trust.   I am not always sure I can trust those I want to share with.   I am blessed to have two amazing people in my life that I can trust, it's with others that I hesitate and become guarded.    Yet there is a desire in my soul to be free from the fear of judgement, and to be full of  joy by being real.  I want to create relationships where I will speak the truth, and they with speak the truth,  and we can support each other.    I know... I know...this all starts with me taking the risk necessary to create what I want.  

When I look at my relationships with my children, I wonder if I am doing what I can to encourage them to share, to be real, and speak their truth.   Do they trust me with all that they are?  Can they trust that I am being real with them too?  

It is so delicate and yet so powerful to take the risk to speak the truth and create supportive relationships, especially with our children.

It's worth a self-check!

g

Details

I don't know about you, but I want details. I want to know the who, what, where, when, why, and how. Plus I want a paragraph in response to each of those questions. Sometimes I may want to have all the details repeated a few times. I want details from a variety of sources. Sounds like I am a bit over the top in the detail gathering ? However, I bet you know what I am talking about.

The truth is, I don't always get all the details I want when it comes to parenting my children and niece through a life challenge. Most of the time my sources are sharing the details that they remember or even noticed, but I feel I need more!

Through practice - and maybe asking the one question too many - I know when I have all the details I am going to get. People have a limit to what they are going to share. They also have their own perspective on what they view to be the important details. It's what we do with the details they do share that really matters.

I'm thinking about all the times we want details, details, details. How about when our child comes home from a long day at school and is upset? We want details, right? Or after a sleepover, school trip or time with friends? We want details! Basically, it's any time away from us -whether they are in pre-school or high school!

Our children may only share what they know or understand. Be careful with thinking they are lying or hiding something. They may only be telling you what they know to be true. It's hard for caring parents to let go of wanting all the details.

Sometimes the more we ask, the less we find out. It is really important to balance your want for information and method of gathering details with your child's temperament (Mary Kirchinka's book I blogged about before).

I know I typically will not have all the pieces of the puzzle but I usually will see the picture. Sometimes I have found myself with pieces of several puzzles that I thought were all part of one. That was kind of funny when I figured that out! ;)

I am learning over and over, that it is more important to focus my energy on what I do know and how I can be supportive while teaching a life lesson. That is the whole point of detail gathering - to know enough details so we can react in honor of protecting our children.


sharing and caring.
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It was as if he discovered gold!

I had an amazing time in Lewiston, NY over the past two weeks. It was great to reconnect with family and friends and to see my children do the same.

I enjoyed meeting with the Parents Together parents at the park on July 1st. We talked a lot about a method that my husband discovered that helped our daughter take responsibility for her actions.

My daughter, ( she just turned 13 today!), often- yet not always -resists accepting responsibility. Sometimes to the point where my husband and I start to go crazy. Why won't she see that what she did caused a problem? A problem that's not so great that it can't be solved?? ;)

Before our trip, Justin took the parenting lead when Rachel lost the pool key. He and Rachel went back and forth about the lost key being her responsibility. I sat nearby and watched and listened to them. She was very persistent, as was Justin. Respectful and persistent.

Then something amazing happened. Justin broke "the responsibility" into percentages, and it was as if he discovered gold! It worked. Rachel softened and was able to see how she was partly responsible for losing the pool key. Phew!!

Since then, we have joked around about percentages, like " oh that was 80% my fault" It's sort of a family thing now. We are all using it and loving it!

While in Lewiston, Rachel discovered that she forgot her NY friend's birthday gift at home. Without hesitation she said with a smile, "this is 100% my fault". Ta da!!!!!!!!!

I shared this with Parents Together, and many were excited to try it with their children. One mom was going to apply that concept to herself. Too often she takes on 100% of the responsibility and she was discovering that that isn't usually the case.

It's exciting to have these breakthroughs!

sharing and caring!
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Summer Parents Together

I have been invited to lead Parents Together in the Park while I am in New York. I am excited to connect with the Western New York families - face to face instead of with a webcam and cell phone!

Tuesday, July 1

11am to 1pm

at Faulkner Park in Youngstown, NY

We are using the Mary Sheedy Kurchinka book: Kids, Parents and Power Struggles

See some of you very soon!
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