ParentShare

Beginning Wednesday, Nov 5, 2008,
(and then every other week)
I will be hosting
two sessions of ParentShare at my home.

9 am until 10:28 am
&
7 pm until 8:28 pm

ParentShare will be an opportunity for us to
come together for support one another on our parenting paths.

Together we will be sharing our experiences and
reflecting on advice from a variety of books we read together.

I bring to the group over 12 years of Parents Together experience
as well as 15 plus years of parenting, yet what is more important is
the wisdom, experience, and energy you bring!

Let me know which session works best for you

and I am thrilled

After my children left for school today, I walked through their bedrooms and was not surprised at all at mess they left behind. Today, instead of being annoyed with the unmade beds, wet towels on the floor, and clothes everywhere, I had a feeling of deep gratitude wash over me.

As I made their beds, picked up the towels, and put their clothes in a pile, I thought about how blessed I am to have these amazing people in my life. It is truly beyond words the joy they bring to my world.

Time is passing so quickly. Wasn't it just yesterday that they were in cribs? learning to walk? talk? read? Truth is, it will only be a very short period of time until they move out and start their lives on their own. Today, they are here, their rooms are a mess and I am THRILLED.

my little red friend

Years ago, I was at a place in my life where 1028% of my energy was going into my struggle with trying to help people I care about push through their fear of honoring the truth of the past. I was doing it, and it was not easy, and I wanted them to do it too.  My willingness to help them was consuming me.

It was a cold day in February, and while taking a shower I was thinking and stressing, thinking and stressing. I became distracted by a ladybug being beat on by the spray of the water. I stood and watched a few seconds before moving into action to help. I reached down and gently rescued the ladybug out of harm's way. I put the ladybug on the windowsill that was at eye level. I watched as the ladybug seemed to stand in peace. I felt content to have made a difference in the life struggle of this little red bug. All it took was a little action and things were so much better. I can help - maybe not the people in my life that I wanted to help - but I certainly helped this ladybug!!!

I opened the vent in the shower window to give this little ladybug some much needed fresh air. Within seconds I saw the ladybug's legs stiffen and he tipped over. I killed the ladybug. I was mortified. It was February in Lewiston, NY which meant the air that came through the shower window was freezing cold. The water and steam from my shower was anything but!    I stood in disbelief.   I had just killed the ladybug.   I began to cry.  

All at once God spoke to me.  I need to be cautious around helping others reach the goal which I have set. I need to be aware that what I may think is helpful, may not always be the case. I need to remember that life struggles are important for growth. My path of healing is not the same path of healing for others. My willingness to help can sometimes backfire and kill the progress that is being made. I need to step back and allow life struggles to happen, especially to those I care most about. I may not really know what the best steps to healing are, especially for others.  Sometimes, I need to leave well enough alone. When I am being helpful, I need to know when it's enough. I need to be careful about going too far presuming I know what is best.  As I stood in the shower staring at the dead ladybug that I had just killed, the messages from God were clear.

I still struggle with imposing on others what I think are the steps toward healing. I kid you not, when I feel like I am not helping enough, a ladybug shows up as a gentle reminder. I go from arrogance to humble in a matter of seconds. It's amazing to me. God is so clear! Over and over He reminds me to recognize my limits. It's within those limits that I am supportive and encouraging and helpful and at peace. When I slip up and go too far, like opening a window in February on a wet peaceful ladybug, I am reminded of the messages God gave me!

enjoy every day,
g

woe - tough morning!

Mondays can be rough - especially after a busy (yet fun) weekend.

Our daughter was exhausted and really had a struggle getting ready for school.   

My husband and I encouraged her to push through her tiredness.  She resisted.  The power struggle began.   I chose to walk away a few times and let Justin take the parenting lead.  I found myself becoming agitated and wanted our interaction to remain mutually respectful.  I know myself well enough to know when my words are just about to shift from stern and respectful, to sharp and demeaning.   

Our daughter asked to be understood.   "I just need for you to understand how exhausted I am, I need to sleep more."  Her hope was that our understanding would support her staying home.   My husband and I hugged her and mirrored back her feelings.  We shared our own similar feelings and experiences and then clearly stated that she was going to school.    After a lot of dialog, (she is an extroverted/feeler),  she got our message and to school she went.

This morning was an opportunity for our daughter to evaluate her choices of activities over the weekend that led to her rough start today.   She does not like the way this morning went for her and she is able to recognize where she could have made better decisions regarding her activities.

These struggles are hard on all involved.   For me, understanding and compassion sometimes causes me to waiver.    Yet, mornings likes these are when I need to lean on the basic foundation of parenting.    What is our family standard?   Well, unless you are sick, school is nonnegotiable.   Based on our standard, my husband and I parented with love and respect while taking breaks for deep breaths!   Getting through these issues (because there is no way around them ) will help each of us the next time!

What we all learn today will make for a better tomorrow....

g

The morning of their first day back to school

oh the truth

Truth.  Living the truth.  Speaking the truth.  Standing in your truth.   Easy to write, yet challenging to live.

I hesitate sharing my truth many times.   People will ask how I am, or how things are going in one aspect of my life or another and I respond by barely skimming the surface.   This fact, or truth about who I am, has been rearing it's ugly head this past week.

I expect, encourage, and sometimes even demand the truth from my children.    Not just with the details of their activities, but how they are feeling about a situation or two.  I encourage and support their telling the truth by saying that doing so will free their mind, lighten their soul, and bring focus to the situation in order to create a plan.

But, how often to I cower from doing the same?   Speaking the truth  takes a certain amount of courage.  There is a risk of being judged or misunderstood.   There is a risk of how the other person will respond.   Typically, in time, the risk becomes worth it.   I know this and yet...

I am doing a lot of self reflection, I guess a self-check, to discover what type of role model I am being for my children.   Do they see me taking the risk of speaking and living in the truth with love?  Do they see me being real - or do they see me being guarded and sticking to the surface without going deep?   

As my faith in God increases, I am learning  how insignificant the judgement from others should be.    What is holding me back from sharing my truth?   I believe most of it is trust.   I am not always sure I can trust those I want to share with.   I am blessed to have two amazing people in my life that I can trust, it's with others that I hesitate and become guarded.    Yet there is a desire in my soul to be free from the fear of judgement, and to be full of  joy by being real.  I want to create relationships where I will speak the truth, and they with speak the truth,  and we can support each other.    I know... I know...this all starts with me taking the risk necessary to create what I want.  

When I look at my relationships with my children, I wonder if I am doing what I can to encourage them to share, to be real, and speak their truth.   Do they trust me with all that they are?  Can they trust that I am being real with them too?  

It is so delicate and yet so powerful to take the risk to speak the truth and create supportive relationships, especially with our children.

It's worth a self-check!

g

Details

I don't know about you, but I want details. I want to know the who, what, where, when, why, and how. Plus I want a paragraph in response to each of those questions. Sometimes I may want to have all the details repeated a few times. I want details from a variety of sources. Sounds like I am a bit over the top in the detail gathering ? However, I bet you know what I am talking about.

The truth is, I don't always get all the details I want when it comes to parenting my children and niece through a life challenge. Most of the time my sources are sharing the details that they remember or even noticed, but I feel I need more!

Through practice - and maybe asking the one question too many - I know when I have all the details I am going to get. People have a limit to what they are going to share. They also have their own perspective on what they view to be the important details. It's what we do with the details they do share that really matters.

I'm thinking about all the times we want details, details, details. How about when our child comes home from a long day at school and is upset? We want details, right? Or after a sleepover, school trip or time with friends? We want details! Basically, it's any time away from us -whether they are in pre-school or high school!

Our children may only share what they know or understand. Be careful with thinking they are lying or hiding something. They may only be telling you what they know to be true. It's hard for caring parents to let go of wanting all the details.

Sometimes the more we ask, the less we find out. It is really important to balance your want for information and method of gathering details with your child's temperament (Mary Kirchinka's book I blogged about before).

I know I typically will not have all the pieces of the puzzle but I usually will see the picture. Sometimes I have found myself with pieces of several puzzles that I thought were all part of one. That was kind of funny when I figured that out! ;)

I am learning over and over, that it is more important to focus my energy on what I do know and how I can be supportive while teaching a life lesson. That is the whole point of detail gathering - to know enough details so we can react in honor of protecting our children.


sharing and caring.
g

It was as if he discovered gold!

I had an amazing time in Lewiston, NY over the past two weeks. It was great to reconnect with family and friends and to see my children do the same.

I enjoyed meeting with the Parents Together parents at the park on July 1st. We talked a lot about a method that my husband discovered that helped our daughter take responsibility for her actions.

My daughter, ( she just turned 13 today!), often- yet not always -resists accepting responsibility. Sometimes to the point where my husband and I start to go crazy. Why won't she see that what she did caused a problem? A problem that's not so great that it can't be solved?? ;)

Before our trip, Justin took the parenting lead when Rachel lost the pool key. He and Rachel went back and forth about the lost key being her responsibility. I sat nearby and watched and listened to them. She was very persistent, as was Justin. Respectful and persistent.

Then something amazing happened. Justin broke "the responsibility" into percentages, and it was as if he discovered gold! It worked. Rachel softened and was able to see how she was partly responsible for losing the pool key. Phew!!

Since then, we have joked around about percentages, like " oh that was 80% my fault" It's sort of a family thing now. We are all using it and loving it!

While in Lewiston, Rachel discovered that she forgot her NY friend's birthday gift at home. Without hesitation she said with a smile, "this is 100% my fault". Ta da!!!!!!!!!

I shared this with Parents Together, and many were excited to try it with their children. One mom was going to apply that concept to herself. Too often she takes on 100% of the responsibility and she was discovering that that isn't usually the case.

It's exciting to have these breakthroughs!

sharing and caring!
g

Summer Parents Together

I have been invited to lead Parents Together in the Park while I am in New York. I am excited to connect with the Western New York families - face to face instead of with a webcam and cell phone!

Tuesday, July 1

11am to 1pm

at Faulkner Park in Youngstown, NY

We are using the Mary Sheedy Kurchinka book: Kids, Parents and Power Struggles

See some of you very soon!
g

Time well spent

I have been working with a couple of families around the issue of reacting to situations that happen in life. The happy, positive issues are the easiest, of course. It's when life brings a challenge, then what? As parents, we role model how to react to a situation.

I often use Barbara Coloroso's phrase from her Kids are Worth It book, "There is no problem so great that it can't be solved." Since my children were very young, they have been hearing this phrase, and honestly I say it for me to hear too! I need a moment to realize that there is no problem so great that it can't be solved, before I am able to move forward.

The solution, however, may not be easy or even fun. Yet, there are solutions to our problems. Just as important as the solution, is the way we react. How did you react yesterday when something came up for your family? How did your family members react?

It's those emotions that get me. I become agitated and find my neck and shoulders stiffen. My skin feels prickly. I am learning to pause and reflect - even if it's just a few seconds. When I do, the emotions and the stress diminish. Then I can move forward.

What has recently become powerful for us is that we are praying. We were praying before, but it was a private, silent sort of action without much attention given to it. Today, we are openly turning to God for guidance and for thanksgiving. Those challenges are actually blessings building our character!

Life has it's ups and down, we all know that - we all live that. Your children are watching you react and need guidance around their own reactions. With your help, they can figure out what they need to do when challenges pop up. It's different for each person, and the time spent discovering what everyone needs, will be time well spent.

Thank GOD there is no problem so great that can't be solved.

g

Six Critical Life Messages

A Parents Together favorite book is by Barbara Coloroso:
kids are worth it! Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline

In her book, Coloroso lists what she calls "six critical life messages" that our children should receive from us as often as possible:

I believe in you

I trust you

I know you can handle this

You are listened to

You are cared for

You are very important to me

Some days can get really busy for our family, and
having these messages to refer to has been really helpful for me.

Ode to Mary Ellen and Parents Together

Today was a very special day ~ the end of Parents Together, as we know it.

Tears were flowing during our session - on both coasts! And yet, our hearts were warmed as we shared how this group has made an impact on our lives. Over and over again we shared how Parents Together helped us to know that we are not alone in our parenting adventures!

For 13 years we came together in honor of our children - of our families - in honor of supporting ourselves. It has been Amazing! Truly life altering.

Today Mary Ellen called Parents Together a gift of Love, Courage and Wisdom. She reflected how we would go deeper than "quick advice" to discover the layers of what was happening in our families. She admired our willingness to meet the challenges of parenting. Each one of us has been forever changed by this group and our time spent together.

Mary Ellen is an amazing facilitator and guide~ creating an environment where we would come and feel safe, not judged, and deeply deeply loved.

Yes, Parents Together is over... at least how we knew it to be. My son, Adam, sent me a text today, knowing how I was struggling with letting go of what Parents Together has been. He wrote, "But Parents Together will never die as long as you keep it alive" I send that message on to all of you. Let's keep Parents Together rippling out in ways we will not be able predict or imagine.

THANK YOU MARY ELLEN -
FOR ALL YOUR LOVE, COURAGE & WISDOM

love you dearly!
g

a day to celebrate

Happy Father's Day ~ a day to celebrate your role in your family

Every day you role model some sort of behavior for your children. Every day.

It's time for hugs and celebrations, because your children have you in their lives.

Kurchinka refers to Emotion Coaching vs The Intimidator, challenging us to be aware of how we are parenting. ( did you get your hands on her book yet? )

It's powerful to take a step back and look at yourself through the eyes of your children. What do you think they see?

Today, when you connect with your children, remember that you are making memories. Be intentional in your interactions.

Enjoy today! Enjoy your children!
g

take care

See if you can answer these questions...

What do I do to replenish my energy?

What do I need to feel refreshed and ready to move ahead?

Have I supported my children in the discovery of what they need to recharge?

oooooh those emotions!

When issues come up for our families, it's pretty amazing how things can end up when we take care of our emotions first.

Yesterday, a situation came up that affected my family. When I heard the details of what had happened, I was annoyed. Someone had been making negative comments to my children about one of us. Not cool. Not cool at all.

What Parents Together has taught me, is to acknowledge my own emotions and take the time to process through all of those before I approach to support my family. I was able to do this on my way home from work.

Wow, taking that time to process made such a difference. I was able to vent a bit with my husband and with friends to lower my intensity. When I got home I took more time and called my friend, Monica, to process further.

It worked.

After our family dinner together, while still sitting at the table, I brought up the issue for discussion. I asked them how they felt about what went on. Each one of the children shared. My husband did too. It felt great to be emotionally ready to really listen to them.

I was able to focus 100% on THEIR emotions and reaction to the "negative comments". My children needed to be heard. I was able to be the sounding board for each one of them to vent. I would have NEVER been able to do this without first processing through my own reaction.

I was able to point out the ways the children were supporting each other. They smiled as they took this in. I also pointed out the lesson we were given about treating people. We talked about honoring the fact that each person has their own perspective and view about each other. Not everyone will get along on this planet, yet the challenge is to stay respectful. It was a powerful discussion at the family dinner table.

We have bonded even closer because of this situation that came to our family. I had started out annoyed, but quickly became grateful to God for this gift our family received. Our night ended by hanging out together, playing games, and lots and lots of laughing! =)

This could have been a completely different night if I had not learned the importance of taking the time to process my emotions before approaching to support my family. A completely different night indeed.


For you, I share.
g

The Mood in Our Family

Today I am reflecting on how I effect the mood in our family. I used to downplay this because I am only one member of our family, and together we create the mood or atmosphere. This is true too, however, it didn't take me long to notice that the mood in my family ripples most strongly from me. Sort of daunting, and then when I look at it differently, it's empowering.

Right now, all three children are at school; the third being my 16yr old niece who is staying with us. My daughter is in middle school, and my son and niece are in high school. My husband is at work and our two puppies are napping. The house is quiet. This is when I have time to do something to set the mood for later, when we come back together.

It's time for me to "reset" our home - meaning doing things like cleaning, laundry, and planning the evening activities. I feel more relaxed and at ease when our home is "reset". When I am relaxed, I can focus on our family when we come back together.

Having our home "reset" really helps me to relax which then improves our family harmony. Anyone that knows me knows that I really do NOT LIKE housework. Not at all. And yet, I am seeing it differently now. It's in the little things, like putting a new bar of soap in the shower that wasn't replaced, as well as the big things like laundry, dishes and vacuuming up the continuous mounds of puppy hair, that help "reset" our home.

When our home is "reset" and I am relaxed, I can check in with my family and really focus on what they want to share. I discovered I am most relaxed when our home is "reset". When I am distracted, I barely check in and then things seem "off". It has become obvious that the different moods in our family are rippling from me. It's actually been pretty cool to see...especially when I make the effort to be relaxed!

Each member of my family has a bazillion things going on while we were apart. All the ins and outs of middle high school and high school can be overwhelming. All the ins and outs of our jobs can be overwhelming. All the ins and outs of having and training two six month old puppies can be overwhelming too!! I want to create a soft place for the family to land. It's what motivates me to plug in the vacuum cleaner and unload the dishwasher!

What is it like when your family comes together? Spend the next few days or so watching what happens. Email me some of your ideas that help you set the family mood in your home.

Here is the book I
want you to get your hands on.

Truly. It's a good one.

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
hits the nail on the head!

Being a parent is an amazing journey filled with joys and challenges along the way. We learn as we go, with each day bringing opportunity after opportunity to make an impact on our children.


Designing parenting solutions is an exciting part of my life. Over the past 12 years, I have supported many families. I enjoy empowering and advising parents, designing what fits best for them.


The basic foundation to my parenting style and my advice is respect. Respect for your child, respect for you, and respect for your situation. There are many parenting "solutions" that become more effective when they are "designed" to fit your family. I can help with designing those solutions. My advice is practical and easy to implement. The results are exciting to watch!


Most situations that are presented to me involve a process of pulling away the layers to get to the core of what is going on for everyone involved; the child and the parent. Once the layers are identified, it becomes easier to design a plan to move through the situation. This process is exciting and the changes for families are powerful.

I want a place for you to come for the support you may need. Many parents I have met have bounced around the idea of having a small group gather to support one another while I facilitate. I am very open to this idea, yet it seems with everyone's schedules the time and place to meet has been difficult to plan. It's 2008, why not try a blog? I have also created an email address for you to use if blogging isn't your thing. parentsolutionsbydesign@yahoo.com

One way or another, I am here and would love to support you as you grow in your awareness and experience as a parent.